My teenage years were a struggle, a battle fought within my mind that lasted nearly five years and almost concluded with suicide. It was a clash that waged hidden in silence from others. Destructive and tormenting I would often find myself in tears contemplating how and when I should end my wake and sleep for eternity. Life was presented without meaning other than suffering, whereas death expressed salvation, rescue, relief. I have learnt in the recent years that self-conflict is like an impossible puzzle, a complicated mystery for an enigma of a person to dwell in piecing together a design that leads to no end; for the pieces used are the problem themselves. The mind attempts to cure thoughts by thinking; it is not possible, it’s illogical. Therefore, the only way to complete an impossible puzzle is to break the pieces and dismiss them.
To cure the mind of thoughts you must not think, that is the difficulty in the war of self. As a teen, I realised this when I experienced that extraordinary presence of the interaction with the free love of the ever-present, magnificently tranquil. Its language is spoken in the silence of the mind when you’re able to hear the sounds of nature. But how exactly does one stop their thoughts from spawning? The difficulty is the struggle of being addicted to one of the most dangerous drugs, thinking. And like all addictions, the compulsion is heavily dependent on the state of the addict’s environment, the company and the disturbances. As humans, we crave connection for reason of distraction. It’s why we watch movies, play video games, drink alcohol, go out to clubs, etc. As a way to distract ourselves from ourselves, or from someone else or something else – we attempt to form a connection that will do just that.
My addiction that I once turned to as a saviour was video gaming, and also of course, what so many of us naturally turn to for connection and comfort, thinking. Our reliance and relationship to thinking as a distraction is what predominantly has spawned the mental issues that create self-conflict such as anxiety and depression. And I am not against thinking, after all, I question if it is part of the fundamental foundation of our universe, but overthinking due to addiction is clearly unhealthy. I am almost certain that I’d be dead right now if it weren’t for discovering that answer to winning the war of self. That using thoughts to cure my addiction of thinking about problems that only exist through thoughts is futile. I had to quiet my mind.
To stop thinking you must not try, for that will just bother your mind. Instead, you must just be, where you are as you are and feel the presence of the cosmic energy flow through you. Your mind will eventually quiet itself – as your internal conflict will fade and cease to be.